fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
