she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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