note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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