I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
