I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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