I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
