i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
