Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
