He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
