we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
