Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
