I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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