she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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