Ketchup is God's man juice
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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