sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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