if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
