you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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