Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
