my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
