dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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