woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
