How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
