I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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