Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
