So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
