i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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