overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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