After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's just like the Real World with babies
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
