just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
