The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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