Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
