Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
