Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
