Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
