In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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