Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
