There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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