you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
