Sorry, I don't speak sober.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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