I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
