My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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