True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
