His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
