my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
