1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
