life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
