I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
