Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
