Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
