New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Found your dick twin last night
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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