So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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