im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
