Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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